Someone you trust.
Honestly, I could never say that I trust one person completely. My secrets are divided into different people; I’m the barkada type of person. From my circle of friends, there’s a different person to talk to in every aspect: love, friendship, studies, family. And the more scandalous ones I just keep to myself.
Which is a problem, really. I’m too embarrassed to share some personal deets about myself because I’m afraid that people would think less of me. Sometimes, it gets really hard to keep it all in. Well let’s see… for example, I reaaaaally like this guy. Usually I tell my friends that I have a crush on that guy, but in a really joking manner, when in fact I’m damn serious about it. So of course they would assume that what I feel is shallow, and sometimes there would be conversations that would hurt me but they wouldn’t know, because well, how could they? It’s not like I told them.
I would trust my family and friends with my life, but not the whole detail of me as a person. In fact, I don’t even trust myself.
A song that makes you cry and why.
I associate songs with memories. This song, it brings me back every time. It’s very bittersweet and nostalgic, and it makes my heart ache a little.
So. I decided to continue this challenge, even though I know that I would not be able to post one per day. But I thought that, out of all the things I started and left unfinished, I could at least end this one right?
Write about something you believe in, anything at all.
Now I remember why I stopped, hahaha. I remember agonizing over this challenge, wondering what should I write. See, I’m not a firm believer of religion (though my papers would say I’m Roman Catholic and I studied in a Catholic school during elementary) and I don’t support any political ideology (though I’m quite vocal about my thoughts in Philippine politics).
If anything, that’s my biggest problem right now. I don’t believe in anything. There is nothing to push me through, nothing that would make me want to wake up every morning. In terms of existentialism, I simply don’t exist.
Is not believing anything a belief in itself? I can’t even say I believe in love, because I’ve never been in love. I’m quite miserable, n’est-ce pas?
Anyways, I do believe that there is something that we’re supposed to believe though. I just haven’t found mine.
too many thoughts unwritten
So. I’m turning 18 in um, 10 minutes. Would you like to sing me a song?
An endless loop of A Whole New World would be great.
Am I still allowed to use the excuse “I’m too young”? Should I be more serious now? Should I start planning my life? Should I stop asking questions?
Should I start answering my own questions?
Maybe I should. But I don’t know. I know nothing.
And my head is just one big jumble of thoughts, and it’s starting to drip down my ears.
Because these past years all I’ve been trying to do is escape, (
escape what? I don’t even know) an endless procession of fixation and obsession of books, music, films, and parties.
What is a year? It doesn’t matter. My life doesn’t have any direction right now… in fact, I’m not even moving forward. I’m stuck somewhere back, and everybody’s starting to leave me behind.
Anyway, I thought being 18 would be something huge, and that somehow I’ll feel different. Like, “I’m free! I’m legal, fuck you assholes!” kind of feel. Oh well, it’s just a number after all.